On my way to work this morning, I came to the conclusion that driving can be a nightmare whether you’re 16 or 60 or going 4 miles or cross-country. I’m certainly not saying I’m the greatest driver to ever live, but I am saying that people, in general, needs to get things together… I mean, hello…you are literally the conductor of your very own 5,000 pound machine, so put down that newspaper (yes, that happened) and ohhh, I don’t know…drive? Here’s an inconclusive list the 10 types of drivers that make you wish you stayed home. Feel free to add your own!
1. The Lingerer
I’m the person who lives life in a constant state of hesitancy. Do I accelerate? Do I brake? I’ll probably keep you on your toes…and make you late.
2. The Sunday Driver
I’m the person who enjoys a nice, easygoing cruise…at 8 A.M. every weekday. I try to stay as far under the speed limit as possible and I can mainly be found on one-lane roads – no passing here, folks! Sunday is your holiday, not the other 6 days.
3. The Fast and the Furious Extra
I’m the person who drives like Vin Diesel is in the passenger seat and nitrous just engaged. But really, it’s rush hour and I just cut you off going 90.
4. The Straight Up Assh*le
I’m the person who really doesn’t give a sh*t. True to my name, I’ll stop suddenly, swerve, and straddle lanes… then give you the finger.
5. The Beautician
I’m the person who was running just a little late and forgot to put on my lipgloss…and mascara, eyeliner, and bronzer. I mean well, so I try to do the majority of my makeup at a red light, but you can’t expect me to move right when it turns green, like, obvi.
6. The “I’m Just Like You” Driver
I’m the person who drives exactly like you. You speed up, I speed up. You slow down, so do I. I’m literally your worst nightmare.
7. The Lost Driver
I’m the person who has no idea what road, state, or planet I’m even on. Sometimes I’m considerate and pull over to figure things out, but other times, I just don’t care and you’ll do 15 MPH until I find my destination.
8. The Senior Citizen
I’m a cousin of The Lingerer and The Sunday Driver. I’ll pull out in front of you and then drive dangerously slow. Don’t expect any other quick actions out of me, or for me to see really any of my surroundings.
9. The Double Parker
I’m the person who sees those two glorious spaces and parks directly in between them. People say I’m greedy, but I just like to say that I’m a collector…of spots.
10. The Techie
I’m the person who loves to play with gadgets on the road. If you don’t already know, I’m really important, so it’s imperative that I’m talking or texting on my phone at all times. I’m also a big fan of navigation. I can’t get enough of electronic maps, earbuds, and even my Palm Pilot on days that I’m feeling retro. You can catch me looking down and not caring about anyone else’s safety.
11. And as a bonus – all trucks.
Be safe out there!